im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
