Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
