Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize