The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
