Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
