I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
