My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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