my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
