It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
