Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
