You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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