be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
