Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
pray to the hookup gods
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
