I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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