the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
