Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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