you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
