I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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