I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
