i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
