Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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