Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
