She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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