1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
