I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
