I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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