i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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