did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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