I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
