i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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