Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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