I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize