Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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