I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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