I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
