I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
time to smoke my breakfast
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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