do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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