Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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