the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
