Your face is a jimmy john
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
