Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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