# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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