Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm too high and old for this...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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