my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
