someone threw a dead crab at me
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
