I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
