did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
