Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
