if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
