You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
