the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
