You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
