My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize