I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
