Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
