Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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