I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
